so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
