Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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