My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was like eating out sand paper
im holly from the hills drunk
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
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