I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
