omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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