You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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