You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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