Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
