Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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