Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
