I didn't shave. On purpose
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
