I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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