Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
