you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
