i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.