Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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