we have pet lesbian snakes
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
