I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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