Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
