hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
