I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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