If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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