dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
