Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
