Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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