didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
