I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
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I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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