I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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