If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
