she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dating After Heartbreak
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dignity is for republicans.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.