There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
