we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
