If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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