Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
