I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
