He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sext me about skeletons
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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