the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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