Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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