Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
