The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
