So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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