So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
