Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
