me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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