remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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