I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
