how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
