Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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