i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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