For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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