had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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