i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Randomize
