how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
