Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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