dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
